Post by watevr on Apr 14, 2007 10:28:21 GMT
Noticed the amount of books, journals, guides… there are on how to improve one’s life? A colossal amount if you ask me and even borders the ridicule. Yet not one single “expert” gives advice on how to make one’s life a misery. As I am sure you know that plenty of people revel in misery and seem curiously desperate to fail and extremely determined to find a way and a reason to do it and they above all love to talk about how terrible and unjust the world and everyone in it has been to them. So, with this in mind, I have concocted, with help, few advice to make their endeavour easier for them.
1. Blame someone else - No matter what the situation or circumstance, never accept responsibility for your actions (or lack of them) and don’t forget the three D’s; deny, deny, deny. If you want to be a genuine pain in the arse , it’s crucial that you master the arts of blame and denial. If you struggle with this concept, watch Tony Blair and study him for a week that’ll help.
2. Be intolerant - If they’re not like you, well they should be. There is no reason why you should put up with people that have other opinions. Since they don’t agree with you, they must be intolerant and thus cannot be tolerated.
3. Complain a lot - If you’re in pain, everyone else should be too; your complaining should accomplish that. Focus especially on things you can’t change. Invest most of your emotional energy into situations and circumstances beyond your control. Frustration is your friend; it will take your complaining to a new level.
4. Moan repeatedly - This has similarity with complaining but it can also be a league of its own if you try hard. Without ever having a break - moan. If you happen to run out of things to moan about then remember your friend “sigh”. one sigh is equivalent to 10 words of moaning, so make sure to work on your sighing techniques.
5. Take no chances or risks - The world is scary enough without you unnecessarily increasing the risk factor. If possible, don’t leave the house much. YOU must absolutely not try to improve the status quo.
6. Trust no-one - You must have noticed that everyone is out to get you and that every time you are not with them they are plotting you demise. No one trusts you so why should you.
7. Don’t be overly ambitious - You’re only setting yourself up for the inevitable disappointment.. after all, you’re not that talented and you need to be realistic. Remember the last time you got a little cocky… it ended in tears didn’t it?
Don’t make the same mistake.
8. Take shortcuts - If stupidly, you do decide to try and achieve something which you shouldn’t, then shortcuts are crucial. If it’s weight loss you’re after (for example) then try some of those fabulous, very reasonably priced and incredibly effective weight-loss products that flood the market. I always recommend my personal favourite, the mega-hyper-fat-blaster 9000. And if it doesn’t work you know who to blame.
9. Get angry - That’s right, unload on people regularly. They obviously don’t listen unless you’re screaming so throw yourself into a tirade for no apparent reason I say. It won’t really fix anything but just seeing the fear and the confusion in their eyes is a buzz and all the yelling provides you with some temporary sense of relief.
10. Procrastinate - Always remember the procrastinators mantra:
“Why do today, what you can put off until tomorrow?”
11. Lie - To yourself and others.
Delusion is the refuge of the mediocre.
Exaggeration, embellishment, deception; all great tools to have in the liars bag…. use them often - their help is tremendous.
12. Insult - For those times when you’re feeling a bit low or perhaps cornered in a no-win conversation that’s the time to pull out the big gun; the insult. The nastier and the more personal, the better. Whenever possible, incorporate some reference to a physical feature or something personal you’ve been told.
13. Hate - Even when there is no reason to hate someone, summon one. People simply don’t understand what an effective motivator hate can be.
14. Be selfish - Always prioritise numero uno; it’s all about you, none of the others deserve as much as you do.
15. Don’t listen to anyone - You know and I know that most people don’t understand what you’re going though. They clearly don’t know as much as you and are generally not worth listening to.
16. Self Pity - Nobody else is gonna feel sorry for you, so you may as well. They don’t care. They don’t understand you, your life, your needs or situation… and besides, they all have an agenda. You’ve gone through more than anyone else on the planet so you have a right to a little sympathy… even if it is from you.
17. Be arrogant - Nobody knows or ‘gets it’ like you do. They think they know.. but they don’t. Whenever possible force your opinion on people… they don’t know it, but it’s for their own good. In a way, you’re actually helping them.
18. Laziness - We’ve all heard the expression: “hard work never killed anyone”… possibly one of the biggest myths perpetuated by those stupid positive thinkers. The truth is people die every day from hard work, just take a look at the stats on stress-related illness.
If you want to live a long, healthy life… get your arse on the couch, throw in your job and enjoy the journey.
Well there you have it; some advice that can help you create the completely crap existence you’ve always desired. I know what you’re thinking - how can I thank you enough - but no, you don’t owe me anything… just go out there and be the biggest failure you can be and I’ll be proud. Let this little self-help guide be my present to you as you continue on your path of ruining your life.
you might need to read this post a few times because you can’t become a completely negative, resentful, bitter, twisted, pessimistic little package in just one reading; it may take a few times and some practice so don’t put yourself under too much pressure.
And if, per chance you sense a little glimmer of hope, positivity or optimism trying to worm its way into your psyche, ignore it; it will pass and just focus on one of those numerous horrible people who have ruined your life.
1. Blame someone else - No matter what the situation or circumstance, never accept responsibility for your actions (or lack of them) and don’t forget the three D’s; deny, deny, deny. If you want to be a genuine pain in the arse , it’s crucial that you master the arts of blame and denial. If you struggle with this concept, watch Tony Blair and study him for a week that’ll help.
2. Be intolerant - If they’re not like you, well they should be. There is no reason why you should put up with people that have other opinions. Since they don’t agree with you, they must be intolerant and thus cannot be tolerated.
3. Complain a lot - If you’re in pain, everyone else should be too; your complaining should accomplish that. Focus especially on things you can’t change. Invest most of your emotional energy into situations and circumstances beyond your control. Frustration is your friend; it will take your complaining to a new level.
4. Moan repeatedly - This has similarity with complaining but it can also be a league of its own if you try hard. Without ever having a break - moan. If you happen to run out of things to moan about then remember your friend “sigh”. one sigh is equivalent to 10 words of moaning, so make sure to work on your sighing techniques.
5. Take no chances or risks - The world is scary enough without you unnecessarily increasing the risk factor. If possible, don’t leave the house much. YOU must absolutely not try to improve the status quo.
6. Trust no-one - You must have noticed that everyone is out to get you and that every time you are not with them they are plotting you demise. No one trusts you so why should you.
7. Don’t be overly ambitious - You’re only setting yourself up for the inevitable disappointment.. after all, you’re not that talented and you need to be realistic. Remember the last time you got a little cocky… it ended in tears didn’t it?
Don’t make the same mistake.
8. Take shortcuts - If stupidly, you do decide to try and achieve something which you shouldn’t, then shortcuts are crucial. If it’s weight loss you’re after (for example) then try some of those fabulous, very reasonably priced and incredibly effective weight-loss products that flood the market. I always recommend my personal favourite, the mega-hyper-fat-blaster 9000. And if it doesn’t work you know who to blame.
9. Get angry - That’s right, unload on people regularly. They obviously don’t listen unless you’re screaming so throw yourself into a tirade for no apparent reason I say. It won’t really fix anything but just seeing the fear and the confusion in their eyes is a buzz and all the yelling provides you with some temporary sense of relief.
10. Procrastinate - Always remember the procrastinators mantra:
“Why do today, what you can put off until tomorrow?”
11. Lie - To yourself and others.
Delusion is the refuge of the mediocre.
Exaggeration, embellishment, deception; all great tools to have in the liars bag…. use them often - their help is tremendous.
12. Insult - For those times when you’re feeling a bit low or perhaps cornered in a no-win conversation that’s the time to pull out the big gun; the insult. The nastier and the more personal, the better. Whenever possible, incorporate some reference to a physical feature or something personal you’ve been told.
13. Hate - Even when there is no reason to hate someone, summon one. People simply don’t understand what an effective motivator hate can be.
14. Be selfish - Always prioritise numero uno; it’s all about you, none of the others deserve as much as you do.
15. Don’t listen to anyone - You know and I know that most people don’t understand what you’re going though. They clearly don’t know as much as you and are generally not worth listening to.
16. Self Pity - Nobody else is gonna feel sorry for you, so you may as well. They don’t care. They don’t understand you, your life, your needs or situation… and besides, they all have an agenda. You’ve gone through more than anyone else on the planet so you have a right to a little sympathy… even if it is from you.
17. Be arrogant - Nobody knows or ‘gets it’ like you do. They think they know.. but they don’t. Whenever possible force your opinion on people… they don’t know it, but it’s for their own good. In a way, you’re actually helping them.
18. Laziness - We’ve all heard the expression: “hard work never killed anyone”… possibly one of the biggest myths perpetuated by those stupid positive thinkers. The truth is people die every day from hard work, just take a look at the stats on stress-related illness.
If you want to live a long, healthy life… get your arse on the couch, throw in your job and enjoy the journey.
Well there you have it; some advice that can help you create the completely crap existence you’ve always desired. I know what you’re thinking - how can I thank you enough - but no, you don’t owe me anything… just go out there and be the biggest failure you can be and I’ll be proud. Let this little self-help guide be my present to you as you continue on your path of ruining your life.
you might need to read this post a few times because you can’t become a completely negative, resentful, bitter, twisted, pessimistic little package in just one reading; it may take a few times and some practice so don’t put yourself under too much pressure.
And if, per chance you sense a little glimmer of hope, positivity or optimism trying to worm its way into your psyche, ignore it; it will pass and just focus on one of those numerous horrible people who have ruined your life.